“I am proud to announce this is the only theater that isn’t showing the Dark Knight.”  Director Guillermo del Toro (Pan’s labyrinth) cracked the audience up last night introducing his film “Hellboy II” at the Directors Guild of America (DGA).

I was sitting in stylish red velvet seats at the DGA theatre for the first time so I felt pressure to be on best behavior, not only was I Noreen’s guest, I wore a name tag. 

Then Helen Mirren squeezed past my knees to sit one seat over, I made the silent wide eyed “stare” at Noreen, telepathically sending the message: The Queen is inches from my face and smells like sunflowers.

I tried to pay attention to the movie, in one sentence, a superhero movie where a hero performs mundane tasks along with saving the world.  Dark Knight Batman stopping at Shell to buy a red bull, yep like that. 

The movie ended, next was the interview with the Director, the bonus of attending a DGA feature, watching Mr. Guillermo on stage, his round body pouring over the sides of the small chair assigned to him created a very humorous situation.  “Do I look fat in this chair?  I look like a muffin man.” he joked with a thick spanish accent while tugging the bottom of his t-shirt shuffling his tennis shoes on the carpet.  He pointed out he was underdressed but wasn’t concerned about his casual appearance.  Oh, I like this man, I giggled to myself,  then oddly craved a muffin?  Mental note:  blueberry muffin for breakfast tomorrow.  

Guillermo is down to earth, during the Q and A, he confirmed this by saying  “My car is like a bachelor’s.  I found a chicken nugget under the seat and I was like there you were!  I still wanted to eat it!” Unfortunately, I relate to this.  

I thoroughly enjoyed this event, Guillermo unknowingly turned into my motivational speaker, encouraging words about my career choice are rare.  And he cusses! shyyyt.   Then the scent of sunflowers turned me towards well groomed Helen Mirren, who was putting on her sweater, leaving. If The Queen is out that’s my que.  The event ended, being the self appointed line leader, I led everyone out the door.  I live around the corner so I walked home, it was dark and I’m not going to lie, I heard footsteps.  I  walked faster and imagined Helen Mirren’s party forgot to stop following me… like a school field trip.  

The other night, after a long day of work a.k.a playing on the internet, I ate at Wendy’s with one of my friends Skip.  Nicely, he offered to buy me something from the .99 menu.  We got to talking, I forget how it was brought up, but he mentioned he was a genius as a child.  I almost choked on a fry (by the way NOT on the .99 cent menu anymore) 

“A genius?” I mocked. “What a coincidence, two geniuses sitting together eating some Wendy’s, I mean, gosh what are the odds?” (I just had to spell check the word genius)    

Rewind: 30 minutes prior:

Passing by the sports section at Target I said, “Do they really make camping tents for dogs now?” referring to the miniature models of actual size camping tents   Whatever, they were tiny tents.

Anyways, here is a list of other genius things my friends have done:

Matt: (part 1 of 2) Pantsing your friend while they hold a case of beer for you in the line at the grocery store.

Matt: (part 2 of 2) Chasing Leslie around the same grocery store with a turkey baster. 

Lucy: On Halloween, accidentally complimenting a man’s “Halloween teeth” then realizing they are not Halloween teeth but his actual teeth. 

Maria: Slipping, falling then me laughing, you getting a concussion then me feeling really bad for laughing. 

Leslie: pointing out the car window “look at that field of black bunnies” then watching them fly away because it was a flock of birds.  

Lindsey: threatening a land lord by saying you will whip out your clip….as in the gun but accidentally changing the last letter making it member of the female anatomy and sexual harassment.  

Kim: Spinning my dog Macie around in a circle saying how much you love her while secretly she is puking on you

My dog Macie: making me look like a bad dog mom at the dog park because you fell down the rain gutter.

Guys (2 people reading this), If you think of more, there are plenty I’m sure, feel free to add… xoxoxox

*Side note, Wendy’s did not sponsor this blog

At one end of a dirty Hollywood sidewalk, far away from most people I know in this world, crumpled pieces of burnt newspaper used to warm a homeless mans dinner remain in a pile. At the opposite end of this dirty sidewalk is me, quickly approaching and assuming things about burnt piles of newspaper.  I hear the sound of a guitar, a bum sits in my path plucking on his guitar strings, probably to silence any leftover hunger pains still remaining in his stomach.

I float rather quickly past this one out of many homeless men I routinely see.  I’ve come along way since first moving here, literally but I’m talking figuratively.  At first, I shyly passed people lying in the middle of the sidewalk constantly apologizing because I was walking through their bedroom. The feeling of guilt never goes away though, the guilt of having to say “Sorry, I don’t have any money”.  

I’ve learned to keep my guilty eyes glued to the gray sidewalk and thoughts on other things.  This time I walk by and in my head I replay a conversation I had with a friend of mine from Texas

“How do you like Hollywood?” he asked

“Hollywood is Dirty!” I said

“A city of that magnitude and home to that many broken dreams couldn’t possibly be clean.” he replied.

There are different types of homeless people here; the actual ones without a home and the crazy ones.  Maybe I came up with this scenario to numb me from the mess but the crazy ones aren’t completely different from me.  I’m an introvert, I sing in the shower and while driving in my car, things in private, (don’t act like you haven’t).  Crazies are extroverts; they do things in public, like sing on the sidewalk and loudly in line of McDonalds. (Now’s the time to act like you haven’t)  Think of rock stars without the safety net of a willing audience, a stage and dreams of fame. 

I make it three feet past him, deep in thought when he strums a guitar chord loud enough to stand out from the others so I slow to listen.  He’s actually good.  Before I knew it my eyes closed listening and at a complete stop.  Than I was hit by a bus.  No, not really….my eyes were open…this is a big city.  The chords progress into a melody, a sad song that made me sad.   I was already missing my friends and so I interpreted his song as him missing someone too.

I make up a scenario about a girl he loved but hasn’t forgotten.  I picture what kind of relationship they had. In my mind, the bum was much younger, in his early 20’s and he moved to Hollywood to become a musician.  He had a crush on a girl he met through a musician friend.  She was shy with long brown hair.  He probably invited her over and played his guitar to impress her, isn’t that what you men do?  Except back then he would of played a happy song, not this sad one, he hadn’t wrote this yet because she hadn’t broken his heart.  It was getting late, she needed to leave, he looked into her eyes and said  “stay for just a little while longer.”   Actually, those are the lyrics from the song “Stay”, which is one of my mother’s favorite songs.  Don’t worry this isn’t the intro to the story of “how my dad met my mother and than how I discovered my bum dad while walking down the streets of Hollywood”.  Everyone knows Scary Larry can’t play a musical instrument.  

Than the music stops and he stares at me in silence for a couple seconds, slurred out “hey lady, give me some money!” “Oh, I don’t have any money” I reply, sweetly.  As I walk away he threw a penny at the back of my head.  I pick it up “Well, NOW I do!” and threw it back. 

Just another day.