As you know I am in Texas on Vacation. Well, the other night, while Leslie was at work, I attended a movie with Leslie’s daughter Madison and husband Matt. (For some reason that scenario doesn’t look right on paper) But anyways, Madison picked Speed Racer starring that kid who got super skinny for his role in Sean Penn’s Into the Wild.
First, we stuck it to the man and stopped at a nearby gas station to purchase cheaper movie candy to smuggle in. Sorry United Artist Fossil Creak Theater but you can’t hustle a hustler.
Next, Matt bought the tickets, we found our seats and he turned to pre-warn me. (Matt’s face is played by Corky from “Life Goes On” to respect his privacy)
“Oh yeah, you don’t mind subtitles do you? For some reason, THIS showing is closed captioned for the hearing impaired.”
The lights went down and the closed caption version of Speed Racer began. I happily munched on my “damn the man” Reese’s pieces reading the Speed Racer song in my head.
Here he comes (CRUNCH) Here comes Speed Racer (CRUNCH) He’s a Demon on wh–…WHACK!
The light burned a hole through the film. Speed racer warped into a cigar burn and disappeared into a white light.
Have you noticed whenever something goes wrong with the movie the audience’s natural reaction is to look up at that creepy pedophile window at the top? What really are we expecting to see? I totally want to see Brad Pitts character from Fight Club holding the piece of film and a pair of scissors laughing hysterically! Or the United Artist employee at the ledge of the window about to jump to his death from guilt of ruining my movie experience. Either way, I couldn’t stop Tyler Durden or a suicidal employee even if I wanted.
Instead I sit and listen to flapping film…then I glance at Madison. She looks panicked so I did what any good “pseudo” mom would do. I told her the movie was over. “Did you like it?” She hadn’t taken but one bite of her peppermint patty.
The silver lining on the cloud— they replaced the film reel with a new one that didn’t contain subtitles. That didn’t help. Spoiler alert—Speed Racer blowed. Matt and I agreed.
That folks is my first movie review, thanks for tuning in.
